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Subject: Jokes, Star Signs. Staff memo (old topics reworked)
Replies: 79 Views: 11678
el.mo 2/4/2007 - 6:16:27
A texan farmer goes to Australia for a holiday. There he meets an aussie farmer and tours his farm. The aussie shows off his big wheat field and the texan says, oh we have wheat fields that are at least twice as large. They continue 2 walk around and the aussie farmer proudly points his prize winning cows. The texan scoffs at this and says we have longhorns twice the size of your cows. The conversation has meanwhile almost died when the texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. What are those the texan asked havin no knowledge of the wild australian animals. The aussie replys with an incredulous look. Dont u have grasshoppers in texas? *
el.mo 2/4/2007 - 6:30:03
Difference between havin guts or ba11s. Guts is arriving home late a night out with the boys, being met by your wife with a broom in her hand and asking her are u still cleaning or are u flying somewhere. ba11s is coming home late after a night out wth the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, having lipstick on yor collar, then slapping your wife on the b*tt and having the ba11s 2 say 2 her, your next. NB. There actually isnt much difference between either of them as both can lead 2 divorce or a early demise *
el.mo 3/25/2007 - 6:59:42
A farmers wife is left widowed and decides that the farm is too big for her 2 run it alone, so she places a ad in the local newspaper 4 sum1 2 help her. She has only 2 replys. 1 was from a drunk and the otha a gay guy. She thinks he wil b safe so she hires him. After a few wks she decides to reward him on the great work hes done and gives him the nite off work. He goes in2 the local pub and when he returns at 2am, he is shocked 2 c his boss sittin by the fire with a glass of wine in her hand. She says the her employee. I would like u to take off my shirt. He does this. Now my skirt. He does that. Now my bra. He removes the bra. Now she says. If i ever catch u wearing my clothes again, your fired. *
el.mo 3/25/2007 - 7:04:19
Wot do u call twin lesbians? Lickalikes. *
el.mo 3/25/2007 - 7:10:50
A truck driver goes in2 a brothel, puts 1500 dollars on the table and says, I want a burnt bacon sandwich served 2 me by yor uglyist and fattest girl. Sir, the madan replies, 4 that money u can hav a 3 course meal and our most beautiful girl. Listen the truckie says. Im not hornie. Im homesick. *
el.mo 3/25/2007 - 7:22:59
2 blondes r waitin at a bus stop whn a bus pulls up. The door opens and 1 of the blondes asks the driver. Will this take me 2 central st? He shakes his head and say sorry lady. The other blonde pipes up and says, what about me? Can u take me there. *
el.mo 3/25/2007 - 7:30:06
A middle aged couple hav 2 beautiful daughters but the decide 2 try again 4 a son. The wife falls pregnant and deliver a healthy baby boy. The over the moon new dad, rushes 2 the nursery 2 c his son, but his joy soon turns 2 horror when he is handed a very ugly baby. He says to his wife. Theres no way i can b the father of this baby. Iv got 2 beautiful daughters. Hav u been having a affair? Not this time, the wife replies. *
el.mo 3/25/2007 - 7:40:22
A man is leanin ova his apartment balcony and enjoyin the sunshine when, from above, a glass eye falls in2 his hand. He looks up 2 c a young woman peering dwn. Is this yours? He asks. Yes, she says, could u plz bring it up. The man takes it up, whese she thanks him and offers him a drink. Im just about 2 hav dinner, plz join me. He enjoys a fantastic meal. Later on the woman says. Your fantastic company. Would u plz stay the nite. The man says. Do u do this wth every man u meet. No, she says. Only those who catch my eye. *
bikkay 4/8/2007 - 7:39:55
There was a race between a emu and a s*ckworth. The emu fell over and the s*ckworth won.. *
bikkay 4/9/2007 - 1:30:25
Come ooon someone say 'what's a s*ckworth'.. 
*
el.mo 4/10/2007 - 3:33:34 
Pretends shes neva heard it b4. Hey roni, wots a s*ckworth? 
*
bikkay 4/11/2007 - 9:53:17
For you....nothing 
..... *
el.mo 4/11/2007 - 2:02:42 
ah shucks. Thanx hun *
raeclawz 5/1/2007 - 7:28:32
Depressed & in need of intervention,an overweight man heads to the doc.He's not jus overweight but whoa nelly,call us a usual trailer to haul this 1 away huge.The doc listens to his story,says,Im sorry to tell you the only way you can lose the amt of weight you need is to take your food an*lly.Yes,anally.Without hesitating the man replies,I dont care anymore,Ill do anything it takes,doc. *
raeclawz 5/1/2007 - 7:38:11
Away goes our man on his new diet plan.He goes back into see the dr,who asks if the man is havin any side effects after 2 weeks.Nope the man says,I feel GREAT! Dropped 50 lbs the past 2 weeks..Im a new man!Wonderful,the doc says,We'll have you back in 4 weeks.So the man comes back & this time has lost 75 lbs!!He's so ecstatic,he's practically skipping in to the dr office. Any side effects? None. *
raeclawz 5/1/2007 - 7:46:40
Thats just great!We'll schedule you for your follow up in 6 weeks.So the man practically cha cha's his way to the dr office,this time having lost all his excess weight.But the doc notices something.The man's leg is wiggling up & down,like he cant hold still.I understand youve lost all the weight,but have you any side effects? No. None. Are you certain? the doc presses,the mans leg motion up & down *
raeclawz 5/1/2007 - 7:53:03
Course Im sure,the man says,why you ask? The dr points to the mans leg & inquires,But whats with your leg,bobbing up & down like that? OH! the man exclaims,thats nuthin! Im just 'chewing' a piece of gum! *s * *
raeclawz 5/1/2007 - 10:51:06
Wot u get when u cross a plushie wiv a bit too much alky enhancement? Pickle Me Elmo! x x x *
el.mo 5/2/2007 - 5:16:30
Oi. 
Throws a case of 
at raeclaws. Yor otha joke was gr8 hun. *
lilhuny 5/8/2007 - 12:03:50
Y dnt men die at nite? Come on nw u cant expect them 2 do 2 things rite *
el.mo 5/24/2007 - 5:42:53
Y did the blonde keep a empty milk carton in her fridge. It was Just in case her visitors wanted a black cuppa. *
el.mo 5/24/2007 - 5:47:16
Overheard during a conversation between a sanitary pad and a condom. The condom is saying 2 the pad that 4 at least 3 days a month, u put me outa business. The pad replys. listen mate. 1 little spill from u and im outa business for nine months. *
el.mo 5/28/2007 - 1:42:15
A baby has come in2 the world but is slightly different 2 every other kid as its only a head. The parents take the head home and raise it just like they would any other child. The years go by and the kid turns 18 so they take it 2 the pub to celebrate. They give it its 1st beer and suddenly out pops a torso out of the head. Wow goes the other pub patrons and they line up 2 buy the birthday kid a drink. On the 2nd drink a pair of arms pops out. On the 3rd drink, a pair of legs pop out of the now drunk kid. The kid desperate 2 try out its new legs, runs out of the pub and straight under the wheels of a truck. The morale of the story is Know when to give up when u r a head. (ahead) *
el.mo 6/14/2007 - 3:10:56
STAR SIGNS *
el.mo 6/14/2007 - 3:22:35
AQUARIUS. [Jan 20-Feb 18] You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You lie a great deal, on the other hand, you make the same mistakes repeatedly. Everyone thinks your are a funking jerk!.
PISCES [ Feb 19- March 20] You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being followed by the F.B.I. Or C.I.A. You have minor influence over your friends and people recent you for flaunting your power. You lack confidence and are generally a coward. Pisces people are often seen picking their noses.
ARIES [March 21-April 19] You are the pioneer type and hold most people in contempt. You are quick tempered, impatient and scornful of advice. You are a p rick.
TAURUS [April 20 - May 20] You are practical and persistent. You have dogged determination and work like hell. To most people you seem 2 be stubborn and bull headed. You are good for nothing. *
el.mo 6/14/2007 - 3:26:31
GEMINI [May 21 - June 20] You are quick, intelligent and a thinker. People lick you because you are bis*xual. However, you are inclined to expect too much for too little, this means you are a cheap .
CANCER [June 21 - July 21] You are sympathetic and understanding to other peoples problems. They think you are a s*cker. You are always putting things off. That’s why you will always be on welfare and wont b worth a shiite.
LEO [July 22- Aug 22] You consider yourself to be a born leader. Others think you are pushy. Most Leos are bullies. You are vain and cannot tolerate honest criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are thieving barstools and kiss mirrors a lot.
VIRGO [Aug 23- Sept 22] You are the logical type and hate disorder. This shiite picking is sickening to your friends. You are cold and unemotional and often fall asleep during s*x. Virgos make good bus drivers and pimps. *
el.mo 6/14/2007 - 3:29:45
LIBRA [Sept23-Oct22] You are the artistic type and have a difficult time with reality. If you are male your probably gay. Chance for employment and monetary gain are excellent. Most Libra women are w s. Most Libras die of venereal disease.
SCORPIO [Oct23 - Nov 21] You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You shall achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. You are a perfect son of a girl. Most Scorpio people are murdered. *
el.mo 6/14/2007 - 3:30:18
SAGITTARIUS [Nov 22-Dec 20] You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendacy to rely on luck since you have no talent. The majority of Sagittarians are drunks and pot-heads. People laugh at you because u funk up alot.
CAPRICORN [Dec21-Jan 19] You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You are basically chicken . There has never been a Capricorn of great importance. *
el.mo 6/14/2007 - 3:35:37
To: All Staff Members. From: Management. Re: Early Retirement. Due to the current financial situation and probably future mergers, Management has decided to implement a scheme to put all workers over the age of 35 on early retirement. This scheme will be known as R.A.P.E. (Retired Aged Personnel Early). ~Persons selected to be R.A.P.ED can apply to management for the S.H.A.F.T. scheme. (Special Help After Formal Termination). The situation of persons who gaven R.A.P.ED and S.H.A.F.TED will b reviewed under the S.C.R.E.W. scheme (Scheme compensating retired early workers) A person may b R.A.P.ED once, S.H.A.F.TED twice and S.C.R.E.WED as many times as management deems appropriate.
~ Persons who have been R.A.P.ED can apply to get A.I.D.S ( Additional Income for Dependant Spouse) or H.E.R.P.E.S (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance). Obviously, persons who have A.I.D.S or H.E.R.P.E.S will not be S.H.A.F.T.E.D or S.C.R.E.W.ED any further by Management. *
