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Subject: Jokes, Star Signs. Staff memo (old topics reworked)
Replies: 79 Views: 11679
el.mo 7/27/2006 - 11:37:19
I like a good 
as do most people. Free free 2 add yor jokes here and let all the members of this group have a or maybe if its a really good1, 
I also have added the star sign topic here so if you have been searching for it, search towards the end of this topic. *
el.mo 7/27/2006 - 11:52:18
New Husband Store. A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates: You may visit this store only once! There are 6 floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose 1 item from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building! So, a woman go to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the 1st floor the sign on the door reads: Floor1- These men have jobs. The 2nd floor sign reads: Floor2- These men have jobs and luv kids. The 3rd floor sign reads: Floor3- These men have jobs, luv kids and are xtremely good lookin. Wow, she thinks, but feels compelled to keep goin. *
el.mo 7/27/2006 - 12:05:01
She goes to the 4th floor where the sign reads: Floor4- These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead good lookin and help wth housework. Good heavens, she exclains, I can hardly stand it! Still she goes to the 5th floor and reads: Floor5- These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, will do all the housework, and have a strong romantic streak. She feels tempted, but goes to the 6th floor and the sign reads: Floor6- You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. *
el.mo 7/27/2006 - 12:27:02
A Womans Prayer. Before I lay me down to sleep, I pray for a man who's not a creep. One who's handsome, smart and strong, one who's will is thick and long. One who'll make love until my body is twitching, in the hall, the garden or kitchen. I pray that this man will love me no end and will never attempt to my best friend. And as I kneel and pray by my bed, I look at the you sent me instead!! *
spud32x 8/4/2006 - 4:02:31
From 20 to 30 if a man lives rite. He does it twice in the morning and twice at nite. From 30 to 40 if a man lives rite. He misses a morning and sumtyms 1 nite. From 40 to 50 its just now and then. From 60 to 70 its god knows when. From 70 to 80 if hes still inclined, but dont let him kid u darling its just in his mind. His sporting days r ova. His lil lite is out. Wot used to be his s*x appeal, is now his water spout. It used to be embarrassing to make the thing behave, for nearly every mornin, it stood and watched him shave. Now its getting older it sure gives him the blues. To have it dangle down his leg, and watch him clean his shoes.. Lol *
el.mo 8/5/2006 - 2:08:34 
gd 1 spud. 3 monkeys escaped from the zoo... 1 was caught watchin tv... Anutha playin football and the 3rd 1 was caught readin this msg. *
el.mo 8/15/2006 - 11:56:51
Hi. Just wondered if i can stay with u 4 a couple of days. Every1 is so off at me.... I need a friend.... Sender Osama Bin Laden *
lexisa 8/17/2006 - 4:49:48
Husband 2 his wife: Why u never tells me when u have an ? Wife answered: Oh i dont want 2 bother u at work 
*
2kermit8 9/14/2006 - 11:59:27
A lion a bear and a chicken are all talking one day. The lion says im the most feared animal in the jungle everytime i roar all the other animals move away from me. The bear says well every time i growl all the mountain animals run in fear. The chicken says thats nothing all i need to do is cough or sneeze and the whole world comes to a stand still *
el.mo 9/16/2006 - 5:55:37 
how do tell the difference between a dog whining at the front door n a woman whining at the back door. The dog stops whining when u let it in *
el.mo 9/24/2006 - 7:26:38
Woman 2 Dr. I need my aviaries looked at doc. Dr. Dont u mean ovaries? Woman. Well u tell me. Dr looking. Hmm yor right. Aviary. Theses been a atoo in there. *
el.mo 9/24/2006 - 7:31:47
Sinner. Forgive me father 4 i have sinned. I alot, i enjoy , among other things. Priest. Is that u. (insert yor name here) *
el.mo 9/24/2006 - 7:53:12
Theres only 1 thing thats worse than a woman that can cook but wont. Its a woman that cant cook but does. *
el.mo 9/24/2006 - 7:58:11
An Archaelogist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets, the more interested he is in her. *
lexisa 9/28/2006 - 8:21:17
A woman likes 2 have 4 animals in the house. A jaguar in the driveway. A fox in the closet. A bull in the bed, and a numb skull 2 pay 4 it! *
lexisa 9/28/2006 - 9:41:17
Anxious husband called hospital to find out about his wife thats in labour*accidently he called the criecket stadium!How are things?He died after hearing this reply*fine!3 are out,we hope to have the remaining 7 out by lunch time,and the last 1 out was a duck!A DUCK! *
tungring 9/29/2006 - 12:43:26
Steve irwin walls through the pearly gates into heaven, as he does he is greeted by st peter who informs him that he can have whatever he wants he just has to wish for. A couple of days later steve returns to st peter clearly distressed and angry, he says, I asked for a Croc, not a Brock! *
el.mo 10/2/2006 - 8:45:12
A country family was visitin the city 4 the 1st time ever and were in a mall. The father and son were strollin around and amazed by almost everyfin they saw but especially by the moving silver walls that slid apart then back 2getha again. The boy asked his dad, Pa, Wot is that? Dunno son was the reply. Iv never seen nefin like it b4 either. While they were watchin, a old lady in a wheelchair, rolled up 2 the wall, touched the wall near where they opened and as if by magic they opened and she rolled in. The walls closed and the pair watched in amazement as the numbers above lit up in order, Stopped, then started descendin again. When they reached no1 the walls opened and out stepped a gorgeous,voluptuous blonde in her early 20s. The dad not takin his eyes off the lady said quietly 2 his son, Boy go get ya momma *
el.mo 10/2/2006 - 11:56:57
2 pen*ses burst in2 a bank shouting 'this is a stick up', just then a vibrator entered the bank and 1 pen*s said 2 the other, 'fyck its robocok' *
el.mo 10/2/2006 - 12:07:11
Ive won a trip for me and 30 mates for 2weeks aboard a luxury yacht in fiji and we each have 1500 bucks spending money. Can u plz feed my dog while im away? *
el.mo 10/2/2006 - 12:11:55
The post office has issued a new stamp with a v*gina on it for womans awareness week. It has caused a lot of confusion as men are unsure of which side 2 lick *
el.mo 10/2/2006 - 12:15:49
Y does a pen*s have a hole in the end? So men can b open minded *
el.mo 10/2/2006 - 12:23:28
Jelly baby goes to the Dr and says, 'Dr ive got aids' the Dr replys, 'you cant have aids, your a jelly baby' jelly baby says 'yes but Dr ive been allsorts! *
el.mo 10/2/2006 - 12:35:48
23 useless parts on a mans body. 20 nails u cant hammer. 2 ba11s u cant throw and 1 that cant crow. Dont laugh ladies. Your cat cant catch mice! *
el.mo 10/2/2006 - 12:39:00
2 ovaries were talkin and 1 said to the other, are you gettin new furniture? 1 peeks outs and says well wasnt expectin any but 2 nuts are pushin in a big organ! *
el.mo 10/2/2006 - 12:44:15
Boy. 'Mummy y were u jumpin on daddy'? Mum. '2 flatten his tummy'! Boy. 'But mummy it wont work cause the woman from next door comes over in the morning to blow him up again'! *
el.mo 10/2/2006 - 12:50:10
Hi. Could you please fax me yor photo very very urgently? Mind u its really very very urgent, d*mn serious and very important. Im playing cards and weve misplaced the JOKER. *
el.mo 10/2/2006 - 12:53:48
What can a bird do that a man cant? Whistle out of his ! *
el.mo 10/2/2006 - 1:02:07
How many letters are in the alphabet? 19. Cause ET went home on a UFO and the FBI went after him *
bikkay 10/10/2006 - 12:28:53 *
tungring 10/17/2006 - 12:47:19
why do blondes wear panties? to keep their ankles warm *
tungring 10/17/2006 - 12:58:54
a woman was pregnant with triplets and was a week past her due date, so she went to her doctor, the doctor gave her three ball bearings and told her to go home and swa11ow them , she expressed worry for her three unborn children but the doctor reassured her it was perfectly safe. so she went home and swa11owed the ball bearings. two days later she gave birth to 3 beautiful little baby boys. as time went on she forgot about the ball bearings untill one day one son came in worried, he said mum guess what! she replied yes son? he said i was under the house doing a pee and a ball bearing fell out! son she said, its perfectly normal, now go back out and play. 15 mins later the second son came in worried, mum mum guess what happened! i was under the house doing a pee and a ball bearing fell out! oh its perfectly normal son, she said. *
tungring 10/17/2006 - 1:01:59
anyways, half an hour later the last son came running into the house full speed crying, he said mum mum guess what happened!!!!!! i know son his mother replied, you were under the house doing a pee and a ball bearing fell out. NO NO he replied, i was under the house having a pull and i shot the cat! *
el.mo 1/7/2007 - 10:20:02
Ne1 got ne saddam jokes. Iv heard a couple. I brought a new tshirt. Its a gd fit but a bit tight around the neck. Also saddam rang me the other day. Sum1 spoke 2 him and then he left me hanging *
el.mo 1/25/2007 - 12:04:20
Wot was saddams last request? A stubbie but they gave him a long neck instead *
el.mo 1/25/2007 - 12:09:42
A irish woman was admitted 2 hospital after having phone. The doctors managed 2 remove 2 nokias, 3 motorloas n a samsung. No siemaen was found *
el.mo 1/26/2007 - 1:52:16
A 40ish man brought a brand new sports car. He took off dwn the rd, pushed it up to 130kmh and was njoyin the wind blowin thro his thinnin hair. 'this is great' he thought n accerelerated to an even highr speed. But then he looked in his rear-view mirror n there was a police car bhind him wth the lites flashin. He decided to floor it up to 210kmh to avoid bn stopped n caught, n flew dwn the road. Then he thought 'wot am i doin, im too old to b doin this' n pulled over n waited 4 the police to catch up. They eventually showed up, stopped, walkd up to the drivers door n said to the driver 'sir, my shift ends n a few minutes n if u can give me a gd reason for speedin that ive never heard before i will let u go.' the man lookd at the cop n said, 'last week my wife ran off wth a policeman. I thought u were bringin her back!' *
el.mo 1/26/2007 - 2:28:00
Warneys team m8s r perplexed 1 mornin 2 c shane bowlin a few overs wth a pair of womens panties wrapped hi up on his arm. Finally a teammate says, er mate, weve come 2 expect some unusual things frm u but we r all worried bout u this time. Do u no u have a pair of panties on yor arm?' Oh yeah says shane, its a patch. Im tryin 2 quit! *
el.mo 1/26/2007 - 2:43:42
A group of old friends decide 2 make a mates birthday, his 75th, extra special. Whn the doorbell rings, the birthday boy answers n standin outside is a leggy buxom blonde in a nurse's outfit. 'happy birthday, big boy' she says breathlessly, 'im here 2 give u super s*x.' gramps thinks for monent and replies, 'great i'll take the soup' *
el.mo 1/26/2007 - 2:52:10
A traffic cop stops a woman 4 speedin. He leans in2 her window n asks 2 see her driving licence. Lady it says here u should b wearing glasses. She says, i have contacts. The cop says i dont care who u no, u r still getn a ticket. *
el.mo 1/26/2007 - 2:57:39
A man jumps up off the couch and says to his wife, put your coat on, im off 2 the pub. His wife says, lovely, which 1 r we goin 2? No says the husband, yor stayin home but im turnin off the heat. *
el.mo 1/26/2007 - 3:03:14
The latest clubbin craze is to fill a womans v*gina wth a vodka n drink the vodka thro a straw. Experts r now warning about the dangers of minge-drinking. *
el.mo 1/26/2007 - 3:05:39
Y r vegetarian women silent during s*x? Because they cant believe a piece of meat is giving them so much pleasure! *
el.mo 1/26/2007 - 3:07:14
Wots the difference between a redhead and a brick? A brick gets laid! *
el.mo 1/26/2007 - 3:12:22
Paddy and mick r cruisin thro the sts of northern ireland lookin 2 up sumfin. Mick is drivin wth paddy in the passenger seat wth a giant bomb in his lap. Paddy turns 2 mick n asks wot r we 2 do if this big bomb ere blows up? Its ok says mick. Iv already thought bout that, ive put a spare in de boot *
xxstevex 1/26/2007 - 12:39:09
A man went into a tattoo shop asked 2have a $50 note tattooed on his . the tattoo artist agreed , and askt y he wantd it dne. 'well' the man said ,ths way i cn watch my money grow, and my wife can blow 50quid without leavin the house 
*
xxstevex 1/26/2007 - 12:46:22
1day young billy was diggin a hole in his back garden . His neighbour saw wot he was doin n shouted out, Oi wot r ya doin ova there? . My goldfish died ,and im burying him, came the reply . Really? Said the neighbour, thatz an awfully bg hole4a gold fisg. It needz2 be , replied billy , he,s inside your cat , 
*
xxstevex 1/26/2007 - 12:53:12
Q, , wot dya call a flea on the moon?.. A,, A lunatic (lmao2) *
xxstevex 1/26/2007 - 12:56:01
Did ya hear bout the kiwi who thought he,d caught a nasty STD? , Turns out he was just allergic 2wool , roflmao *
xxstevex 1/26/2007 - 12:58:10
Wots the diff between an australian wedding and an australian funeral? 1 less drunk , hehe *
xxstevex 1/26/2007 - 1:19:51
Jesus said2john ' come forth and i will give u eternal life.' Unfortunately, john came fifth and got a toaster , 
*
